411) SATIRE: Alice in Genocideland

Alice was a bright and studious girl with an incessant curiosity. She kept coming across references to the "Armenian Genocide" all the time, even though this was supposedly "The Forgotten Genocide." Alice wondered why this century-old event was being mentioned wherever she looked... when there were so many other human tragedies never spoken of? Alice didn't consider there could be reasons like obsession and money... she was an honorable young lady, and all that mattered to her was the truth. Neither Armenian nor Turk (English, actually), she became resolved to get to the heart of the matter. How absurd that history could be caught between two extremes, in such a polarized fashion, she reasoned. It didn't matter what Turks said, and what Armenians said. What did the facts say? . . .
Under her favorite tree, while reading a genocide book that she took out from the library — mysteriously, all the books in the library were from the Armenian perspective — Alice saw a curious sight rustling in the bushes. It was a white CHARNY RABBIT! Somehow, Alice sensed that the key to her "genocide" questions rested with the furry creature, and she called after him: "Oh, Mr. Rabbit!" But the rabbit kept scurrying, as he repeated:

I hate
I hate
For a very important rate!


The rabbit was much too slippery a rodent, and Alice soon found herself in a part of the woods she had never been before. "Oh dear," she said. "I seem to have lost my way." And then she heard a voice from the tree top...


"Perhaps I can help," offered the MELSONSHIRE CAT. "You see, there is only one way."

Swallow what we say
And you'll never lose your way
Swallow, swallow, swallow, swallow
For you, we mean to sway!


"That is simply ridiculous," replied an indignant Alice. "There are always two sides to a story."

"Are you some kind of a Nazi, little girl?" The Melsonshire Cat goaded with his fixed smile. "Why, the MAD PETER says that another side 'is as slanderous as it would be for the German government to claim that the work of Jewish scholars ...represented merely a "Jewish side" of the Holocaust'."

"But the Holocaust is a proven genocide," Alice reasoned. "So far, I see no proof that what happened to the Armenians was a systematic extermination plan. Besides, why should you listen to anyone who is mad?"

"Ohh... most everyone is mad in Genocideland..!"


Alice followed the gay laughter in the forest and was invited to the Plow-Lowry Party celebrated by the Mad Peter and the SMITH HARE. What Alice did not know is how these two, along with other friends from Genocideland... like the ROBERT JAY WALRUS and the MARKARPENTER, smeared a professor whose views they disagreed with. Thanks to friends in the media who swallow whatever they say, the professor was given a gag order by his university to no longer refer to the Armenians, knocking not only him out of the debate, but giving other neutral academicians the warning that if they dared butt in, ways would be found to sully their reputations.



The Mad Peter denounced the Turks for having performed the worst atrocities. "Beautiful Armenian maidens were impaled through their vaginas, and horseshoes were nailed on men's feet. The Turks today should be ashamed of their genetic disorder; shame is an important part of moral consciousness."

"Mr. Mad Peter, you present these unverified stories under the guise of 'a History of International Human Rights.' Yet you rarely mention — other than in the way that nobody could blame them — that Armenians massacred Turks. Perhaps over half a million Muslims were slaughtered by Armenians and some Russians. I don't understand why you don't feel 'shame' for your forefathers' actions. What about the Human Rights of these victims?"

"You forget, my dear, that in order to have human rights, it's important to be human first," the Mad Peter chuckled.


The Mad Peter mumbled that he didn't want any "deniers" at his Plow-Lowry Party. "I am not a 'denier'," Alice objected. "I only wish to learn the truth."

The Smith Hare hopped aboard, offering a book that would teach Alice all she needed to know.

"Ambassador Morgenthau's Story?" Alice asked, in disbelief. "But didn't he get his information from Armenians, never leaving Istanbul's environs except for a trip to Palestine... one sign among others revealing his wish for an Ottoman defeat, better paving the way for a Jewish homeland?"

"Nonsense, girlie," replied the Smith Hare. "Morgenthau's testimony is unimpeachable; he wrote the 'unspeakable' and 'primitive' Turks don't 'resemble any people' ever known and are a 'strange human species.' Chapter XXII, 'The Turk Reverts to Ancestral Type,' should tell you all you need to know. The book is used in educational programs throughout the USA and is cited by Congress when voting on genocide resolutions. How could all these people be wrong?"


"My goodness," Alice said, after her hosts offered candy that temporarily shrunk her down to the forest floor. "These people in Genocideland certainly can be spiteful."

"What kind of a flower are you?" Asked FLOWER POWER.

"I'm... why, I'm Alice," Alice responded.

"Oh... you're different. You do believe in the Armenian Genocide, don't you? You cannot stay with us if you don't. Belief is the price for membership in our exclusive club."

"Are you asking me to join a club that wouldn't have me for a member?" wondered Alice. "I am only after historical truth."

"Truth, schmooth," said Flower Power. "Take my advice and write a genocide book attesting to the Turks' cruelty. Quickest way to fame and fortune. You might even win a Pulitzer Prize."


"Well, I never!" fumed FLOWER FEIN. "This little hussy still has doubts and is not convinced. Such deniers are regarded as the weeds in our flower bed. Who in their right mind would ever argue with the worst crime against humanity?"

"But isn't it immoral to accuse another of a crime if the factual evidence isn't there? And the historical record refutes..."

"How dare you! Why, Talat Pasha signed orders to exterminate the Armenians... how much more proof do you need? Out! Get out of our club!"

The flowers rose in unison: "We don't want weeds in our bed!"


Continuing on her journey, Alice came upon a figure smoking a hookah pipe, wearing Middle-eastern shoes and lounging indolently... just like a Turk! Could it be? Were Turks allowed in Genocideland?

"Whooo... R... U...? Friend or foe?" asked the TANERPILLAR. "Why, I'm a friend!" answered Alice, cheerily.

"Oh, really." The Tanerpillar could never be sure anymore. Genocideland's inhabitants were friendly only when he "behaved." Yet, it wasn't all bad. More of his kind had joined in, eager to get a piece of the easy living. However, why did he still feel alone... so very alone?

"Oh, do please tell me," Alice implored. Perhaps she could finally get an idea of the "other side" of the story.. "Are you really a Turk?"

"A Turk, am I?" The Tanerpillar leaned forward and began to sing:

Turks are evil, Turks are cruel
Turks spill blood, as a rule
Turks lie, unlike I
I have hones-teeee
I have integri-teeee
You think I'm a Turk? Meeee?
You're a fool!


Alice was despondent. "Oh dear," she thought aloud. "Isn't there anyone who can tell me the real truth in Genocideland?"

"We'll tell you!" came the cry, and out bounced two eager characters, renowned to be among the most "expert" in all the land... they were TWEEDLEDICK and TWEEDLEDADE.

There was something very slick about the pair, Alice thought. Indeed, it was very hard to tell them apart! They moved alike, they thought alike, and they looked alike. One seemed to have a little more bounce to him. The other... he seemed darker, more humorless. As if the morbid business of genocide had withered away his very soul.


The two began an incessant barrage!

Tweedledade: "Murderous Turks participated en masse in the killings of Armenian martyrs, using blunt instruments to prolong their agony."

“Moslems were killing Christians everywhere in the 19th century,” chimed in Tweedledick.

Over and over they spilled their blather, amounting to:

Turks are evil, Turks are cruel
Turks spill blood, as a rule

Alice had to hold her ears to ward off the hatred.

Alice asked, Didn't Armenians kill Turks?

Tweedledick replied, Only in self defense! My father, "when he had an opportunity, would kill something."

"Something?" Alice asked. "Don't you consider the ones your father killed human beings?"

"30 members of my father's immediate family were murdered!"

"And yet your grandmother survived to fill your head with stories? What of your family, Tweedledade?"

"Ahhh..." Tweedledade paused. "My wealthy family survived, because... because my father was liked by the Turks, you see, and, and..."


"Hey, hey, what are you doing?" exclaimed Tweedledick. "Why are you letting the Turks off the hook?"

"I am not! Turks are evil, Turks are cruel..."

"You're an agent of the Turkish government!"

"Am not! Turks murdered over a million Haiks!"

"No, they murdered 1.5 million!"

"You're crazy! They murdered 2 million!"

"But," Alice interrupted, "weren't there only about 1.5 million Armenians in the entire Empire? And don't the both of you agree one million survived?"

Both Tweedledick and Tweedledum shouted, "NUMBERS DON'T MATTER!"


Suddenly, there was a roar in the forest. It was the wild cry of QUEEN TESSA! She heard reports there was a "denier" in her domain, and she was not going to stand for any of it.

"OFF WITH HER HEAD!" Queen Tessa bellowed.

All of her subjects began scampering away in fright. "I am not a denier," Alice objected. "And, besides, should there not be a trial, before the sentence?"

NO! The Queen answered, indignantly. "Only in European countries that we have conquered, as France and Switzerland, do we take deniers to trial. But here, we have no use for our civilized intimidation tactics. If there's anyone who does not see eye-to-eye with Genocideland, we will destroy them without mercy!"


Genocideland's foot soldiers began to chase Alice. Alice knew they would tear her apart... they would run background checks on her, they would try to magnify any indiscretion in her past, they would represent her as an agent of the Turkish government, they might even try to bomb her house. Such was the degree of zeal and fanaticism of those who dwelled in Genocideland!

Alice was so frightened, she suddenly awakened. "Goodness!" she said. "It was all a dream."

The girl began to reflect on what her sleep-state might have been trying to tell her, after she had been so monumentally exposed to one-sided genocide material. "The whole world seems to think the Turks were guilty of exterminating the Armenian race. Could so many people be wrong, my little kitty? It is true, after all, that the Turks are simply no good, isn't it?...Why, even the dictionary tells us they are savages. All of these different governments vote on resolutions concluding the genocide must have been a fact. Surely politicians wouldn't allow themselves to so vote, if they did not thoroughly research the ins and outs of the story. Who am I to doubt their findings? Is it possible that the Ottoman Turks truly wished to wipe the Armenian people off the face of the earth..?"

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© Holdwater
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